Just be…messy me

I love mornings. They provide a sense of a fresh start and the chance to reflect on yesterday~ whether it was a day of enjoyment or an opportunity to begin again. As I awoke this morning, I thought back to all the things I have been working on and working through since I last posted a blog. I wrote a book! It’s published on Amazon

…check it out! https://a.co/d/fYBAxDt

My family is healthy and happy. We love our home here in the country. But more (or less) than that, I survived. I am currently trying to figure out this thing called life…and adulting. From the outside I have an AMAZING family, surrounded by friends, many blessings. And I am grateful for simplistic living and the bohemian temperament/ mind/ creativity that I have been given.

And yet…

Can I share with you that my state of mental health steals that joy and gratitude almost daily? I can be productive, content, even joyful…and then the roar of darkness and failure and foreboding creeps in like a fog. I ‘know’ I have no ‘reason’ to fear or be anxious or depressed...and yet I am.

I share this with you to let you know that if you feel this way, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You won’t always feel this way, and things won’t always be difficult. But in this moment…the weight of the world is upon you, and you cannot see beyond it. Do you know what I mean? I hope you don’t and things are amazing in your life. But chances are, you have felt this way at some point. Maybe now.

Here’s what I know from being there, repeatedly. I do not need people to tell me everything will be okay, this too shall pass. I don’t need to hear all the good things I have in my life. I don’t need to hear ideas ways to solve my problem. All of those answers are already in my head. I just need someone to sit with me in it. I don’t want to talk about it, hash it out, or find answers. (Right now). I need to feel that it’s OKAY to not be OKAY.

So, what I need to tell you is that if this is your story, it’s okay. Sit with it. But find your people to sit with you in it. Journal it. Get it out. Face it. EVENTUALLY. When you are ready.

Whether you are ready to believe this or not, here goes nothing (hopefully SOMETHING) ...we are not meant to get everything right. We are fallible. It’s the way we were designed. If not, we wouldn‘t need each other, or need God (whether you believe that or not is up to you, of course).

I am currently in a Bible book study, In the Middle of the Mess: Strength for this Beautiful Broken Life, by Sheila Walsh. This book and this study came at the perfect messy time for me. The women in my group are beyond amazing. You know why? We all can be vulnerable and authentic enough to admit to being a mess… It doesn’t mean we need to or want to stay there. We are still learning and growing and adapting. But we know that along the way there will be messy moments. We were never promised a perfect life. But we are given tools to work through them, including each other…and time…and silence…and God.

Within this book, I read the following thought. ”The devastating message is that we ARE something wrong.” Yikes. There is a lot more to it than that, but this sentence WRECKED me and HEALED me at the same time. My notes in the margin… “just do MY best, not others; don’t compare; you will NEVER accomplish perfection~we are not meant to; Failure is part of the process.” If this sounds dark and disappointing, it is. And yet, it gives me the feeling that as far as I strive, I cannot achieve perfection. Which gives me a chance to just BE. Messy me.

So in those moments of feeling that you aren’t accomplishing THE THING…just keep growing, flowing…or sitting in the moment where you are until you are ready. But find someone to sit with you. If you need someone, I am always here.